


Good Mythical Morning-wood

by TheMouthKing



Series: Good Mythical Morning-wood [1]
Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Edging, Hand Jobs, M/M, SMUT IS HERE, You all asked for this, porn au, so much smut is coming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 04:02:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11592525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMouthKing/pseuds/TheMouthKing
Summary: In another universe not too much unlike this one, GMM is porny af. These are the adventures of that crew and her two captains.





	Good Mythical Morning-wood

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Babashook](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babashook/gifts), [annabelle_leigh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabelle_leigh/gifts).



> This has been a long time coming. Just ask Babashook and annabelle_leigh. But a thank you definitely goes to @unofficialrhettandlink on Tubmlr and @jacularmetteld here and on Tumblr for their recent porn au headcanons... it gave me a serious kick in the pants.
> 
> Also gifted this one to llss because of reasons you'll see if you read the dang thing.

“It turns out there is a facial recognition study that helped us understand that the brain records visual information in the same place, i.e., the same brain folder that it stores haptic information, meaning touch, feel, feelers--” Link’s wiggling his fingers.

“Those, those are the fingers.”

“Feelers information, stored in the same place in the brain.”

“So it’s almost like you can know what someone’s face feels like without ever feeling it.”

“Yes. But what we’re wondering is just how far that logic extends--”

“--he means, how far south.”

“...so let’s put that logic to the test today in a game we’re calling Can We Be Guessing Who’s Cock We’re Caressing?”

“Okay, so we’ve got the Glory Hole and we’re going to have crew members stick their dicks in the hole that is the Glory Hole and we’re going to use our hands to figure out who the crew member is.”

“ _Just_ our hands,” Link clarifies, like more than hands were on the table.

“Yeah, just hands,” Rhett agrees with a chuckle, and then adds, “Everyone who’s playing with us today volunteered, by the way. Nobody had to participate, just to be clear…” Rhett has to interject, because this is his Thing. Consent is always mandatory and frequently touched on in episodes of GMP, especially when they’re bringing in volunteers. 

“Consent is mandatory,” Link agrees. 

“And hot,” Rhett says as if in passing, like he can say something like that and blow right past it (he can’t, some of the crew laughs in response) but he continues, “Link’s going first. He can't wait to get his hands on them,” Rhett can barely keep a straight face long enough to get the words out, but then Link catches his eye with a look of exasperated amusement and that does it. He's bent over laughing, his hand clutching his chest. 

“Y’all see what I've gotta deal with here, people?” Link plays for sympathy, but he can’t hide that sly grin. 

“You say ‘gotta’ like you don't get any choice in the matter,” Rhett says, recovering enough to settle back in his chair, eyes still twinkling with laughter and warmth. 

“So we’re gonna be blindfolded,” Link says, shooting Rhett a _look_ and pressing on. “The guys are gonna stand behind the Glory Hole, and whoever’s turn it is to be guessing gets to touch as much as they want, but only what sticks beyond the board--”

“No reachin’ through.”

“--yeah, that's cheating. And you've gotta take in all your information and make a final guess. Final answer.”

Rhett’s clearly not looking at the camera but beyond, at the crew who’re gonna be involved. He doesn't know exactly who it'll be, but he can read from the nervous energy that some people in particular seem to be psyching themselves up. 

“For the crew’s safety we’re gonna sanitize, so we don't get our cooties on them…” Rhett says as he takes a dollup of Purell and rubs it into his hands, and gives the bottle over to Link who does the same. 

Link’s going first so he gets up, heads over to the giant red board they’ve set up for the occasion with a hole cut at hip height, and pulls his blindfold on, fiddling with it to get it comfortably set. 

“Alright. Round one. There's a dick in the hole, are you ready, Link?”

“Ready as I'll ever be.”

Hips come into view of the camera, though as everyone can see, Link can’t. A mostly flaccid but decently sized cock nestled in a thatch of dark hair. 

“Okay, go!”

“Oh gosh, where is it?” Link has trouble finding where he's supposed to be touching, finds the board and feels along at about waist height. His hand’s shaking like it often does, especially when he’s worked up, and competition never fails to get him going. 

Rhett's just about to stand up from his judge’s stool and come guide Link’s hand when he finds it, slender fingers bumping against the soft cock waiting for him in the opening. 

“Oh! Oh, goodness,” he says, at first just petting along the half-hard shaft like he’s patting a small animal, like he’s not sure about where to put his hands. It’s an awkward angle, and blindfolded it’s not easy to get his bearings. 

“Stroke it,” Rhett encourages him from the sidelines, all rapt attention. He watches as Link does as he’s told, figures it out and curls his long fingers around the cock in question. 

“This is harder than I thought it'd be,” Link says to an eruption of giggles that’s met with a deadpan look of seriousness on his own face, like he’d flat missed his own joke. 

“Yeah, it's getting harder every second, isn't it, brother?” Rhett calls as he leans forward in his seat, eyes glued to Link's hand on the unknown cock like he's mentally putting himself behind the board, in the hole. Like he's wishing it were him getting these comically tentative touches. As if Link's never touched a dick before. He's so damn good with his hands, who woulda thought that the awkwardness would be what's turning Rhett on today?

Unselfconsciously, Link’s face breaks in a wide grin at Rhett’s comment and he laughs, “That's not what I meant! You’re terrible… you know what I mean! This ain't easy.”

It _is_ getting harder the longer he's touching it, though, and he's not sure if that's making it worse or easier. 

“You know, you can use both hands, bo,” Rhett says, ever the backseat driver. Trying to guide this into the best video it can be. 

Link shifts so he can reach the cock with both hands, the fingertips of his left hand finding the edges of the hole so he knows where’s okay to touch and where he shouldn’t reach to. Soft, it could be anyone’s… well, to be honest, _hard_ it could be anyone’s, too. He doesn’t make it a habit of sticking his hands down his employees pants, though they’ve definitely gotten into some _predicaments_ , so they’ve both got a real good idea of how some of them look. They’ve been assured that everyone volunteering has been seen by the both of them previously. 

How they feel’s another story entirely. He’s trying to use what he knows of what he’s seen, of his own personal guesses, though believe it or not, he hasn’t put too much thought into what everybody’s dicks look like. 

He can’t just stand here quiet, they’re making a show so he talks his way through his thought process here. 

“Well… it’s a grower, that’s for sure,” he comments, feeling the cock twitch and fill in his hands. “It’s getting pretty thick…”

“How thick? Can you get your fingers around it?” Rhett tries to look casual, but they pretty rarely bring the crew in like this and he can’t quite control his face. He looks intensely possessive. He looks like he’s getting off on giving direction, something he doesn’t often end up doing. 

“Yeah, but still, it’s pretty thick…” two hands might be more than enough, as it’s on the shorter side. He ends up with one hand curled around the shaft while the other bumps nervously here or there, thumb dragging through the precum that’s positively leaking from him, fingertips brushing back, feeling the trimmed short hair at the base, the soft warm skin of his sack. 

“I dunno, gosh… I mean, based on like, size and shape? It could be anybody… but with how fast he got hard, I’m gonna have to say Alex.” 

There’s a few eruptions of laughter. Alex’s crush is no secret, and everybody not blindfolded knows it’s Alex behind the board. Somewhere off camera, Stevie’s voice is heard asking, “Final answer?”

“Final answer.”

“Take off your blindfold and see.”

Link lets go of the cock in his hand (with one final stroke, like a goodbye) and nudges his blindfold off with the back of his hand, ever conscious of cleanliness. He glances down at the cock, flushed pink and fully hard and weeping. It’s not long before Alex emerges from behind the board, cheeks pink to match his cock and grinning sheepishly as he stuffs himself back into his boxers. He doesn’t bother trying to zip up -- it’s not happening. He needs a few minutes alone before he’ll be able to manage that. 

“One point to Link!” Stevie exclaims, and they’ll add the _ding!_ sound in post. There’s clapping and a distant _‘Go Alex!’_ Alex doesn’t even try to deny it. Hell, he’s the one who’s continually outing himself as far as his crush on Link goes. He just shrugs his shoulders with a shy little smile and slips off camera with one last look back at Link, who’s rubbing Purell into his palms again. 

“That was way too easy, man… that was like cheating,” Rhett complains, feeling like Link had been dealt an unfair advantage. Everybody knew about Alex’s crush and it didn’t take a cock genius to guess that he’d get hard _fast_ if Link was gonna be touching and guessing him. 

“Quit’cher bitchin’ and git over to the glory hole before I take you over my knee,” Link says in an all-too-familiar flare up of that dominant streak that’s never lurking too far beneath the surface. 

It has an effect on Rhett, an obvious one. Shuts him up for a second, almost stutters the whole episode to a grinding halt. There’s a very real moment where it certainly seems like the game they’re playing’s about to go off the rails, end with Link making good on his promise. _Make me_ never gets said, but it’s clear as crystal in the look on Rhett’s face. 

But then Rhett manages to come back online. He moves over to the board and pulls his blindfold down from where he’s had it perched on the top of his head and, just before he pulls it over his eyes, he’s still looking at Link like he’s trying to bore a hole through him with that gaze. Like he’s stripping him with his eyes, like he’s daring him to do something about it. 

The More is gonna be _good_ today. 

“Okay, guys, I got my dick fingers ready,” Rhett says, standing there in front of the hole wiggling his fingers like he’s readying them for a dick marathon. 

Someone off camera does a snort-laugh while a few others just erupt with giggles. Rhett’s tactic is a dirty one; he’s hoping to make whoever’s standing behind the board laugh so he can cheat and win. He doesn’t manage it, though. 

Behind Rhett, Link looks at camera one and just stares, deadpan, shakes his head. _Dick fingers._

“Stop messin’ around,” Link encourages, sitting on the edge of his stool, watching close. 

Rhett finds the cock in question more quickly than Link had, like he’s got a magnet in his palms that leads them right to dicks. What Rhett can’t see (through the opening) that everyone else can is that this dick is attached with a harness. What can be seen is butter yellow, leather, obviously custom, and the dick is a dildo. It’s as realistic as possible, very average with a more solid core than exterior, two hardnesses of silicone to mimic real life as best as it can. It’s Lizzie, and she’s taken care to stack the deck in her favor -- it’s warmed up, spent the last fifteen minutes dunked in a bowl of warm water before it was dried off with a condom pulled down over the length of it to conceal the silicone feel of it. 

Rhett doesn’t expect it to be hard right off the bat, doesn’t expect it to be _wrapped_ , so when he finds it to be both, his hand jumps back and he lets out a deep ‘ho ho’ of a laugh. 

“Oh, ho-ho, gosh… you’re ready for somethin’, aren’t’cha?” 

Giggles erupt and die down, and Link’s grinning ear to ear, staring around obviously trying to catch the crew’s attention and lifts his finger to his lips, trying to hush them. 

Rhett gives the cock in his hand a good stroke. One hand doesn’t quite hold all the length so he uses another to test, to see how long it is. Shorter than Link… 

“Hmm,” Rhett muses, moves a little closer and turns his hand so he can feel around the head, get a sense of the shape and thickness. “It’s pretty good sized… kind of average. In a good way, good-average…” He doesn’t wanna offend anyone, and he knows how sensitive a topic dick size is.

He’s gives a long, slow stroke, still trying to cheat the system, hopeful that the man on the other side of the cock in his hand will slip up and moan. He’s got no such luck, unfortunately. 

More unfortunately, it seems like Link’s catching on to his dirty tactics. 

“Hey! It’s a dick touching challenge, not a jerk off challenge. Quit cheating,” Link snaps at him. 

“You can’t prove it,” Rhett grins impishly, but he gives up pushing the envelope for now. Easy as it is to convince yourself you’re not under scrutiny when you’re blindfolded, now that he knows he feels compelled to dial it back. 

“Don’t make me come over there, boy,” Link chides him and there’s no hiding it from the crew, the camera or anyone; that hits Rhett like a ton of bricks, sends a shiver down his spine, threatens to drag this to a halt again. He’s getting real distracted by the situation in his own pants, partly caused by all the touching and possibility but due in large part to Kink Neal coming out to play. 

But then again, when _isn’t_ Kink Neal out and playing?

Rhett’s got a job to do. Link makes a point of reminding him as much, “You’ve done plenty of feelin’ it up, let’s get yer guess.”

“I’m, uhh… crap,” Rhett just doesn’t know. He’s distracted, so thrown by Link’s sudden show of dominance that his head’s not in the game. He’s still got his hands wrapped around it, gently worrying over the length of it when he gives his final guess, “I’m gonna go with… maybe John?” 

His voice gets small at the end, giving away how unsure he is about that. 

“Alright, Rhett, let’s take a look and see if you’re right.”

Rhett steps back and pushes his blindfold up with two knuckles, hands a little slippery from the lube on the condom. When he looks down and sees that the cock is pretty clearly not a real cock, there’s a moment of brow-wrinkling confusion clear on his face. But then Lizzie steps out from behind the board, her jeans open (for realism), cock strapped on over her (panda patterned) MeUndies, leaving her not at all exposed. She’s looking both apologetic and wildly amused at the same time. The crew finally lets go of the laughter they’d been holding.

“Oh my god, Lizzie?!” Rhett laughs too, the tension from seconds ago breaking with the whoop of wild laughter that leaves Rhett bent double, hand on his thigh to keep him upright. 

“Oh, god, the look on your face,” she’s laughing now, too, the motion of it making the dildo strapped to her bob up and down. 

“Wow! That was really believable,” Rhett says, looking down at the still-exposed dildo, taking in how they’d managed to fool him. “What is the-- it was warm…”

“We let it sit in warm water.”

“ _Dang_ it,” he’s impressed, hand moves automatic, hovering, and he pauses, asks, “Can I?”

“Sure, go ahead,” Lizzie moves her hands away from the front of her pants. 

Rhett curls his big hand around the cock again, now that he can see it. He gives it a squeeze and thumbs the head, feeling the shape of it. “Gosh, it’s so real feelin’… that’s crazy.”

“It’s VixSkin. It’s firmer in the middle so it feels real.”

Rhett’s curiosity damn near gets the best of him. He wants a closer look, wants to steal and test the thing thoroughly, but they’ve got a challenge they’re in the middle of. 

“We should get something like that in rhettandlink.com/store.”

“I’m not averse,” Link answers Rhett, already standing, the blindfold resting atop his head. Anxious for his turn. Link’s liking this. A lot, actually. Rhett moves away, rests on the stool for a moment and says, “Blindfold on, the boys are waiting.”

But the second Link’s got the blindfold pulled down securely over his eyes, Rhett’s soft-shoeing it around the board as quiet as he can, locking eyes with the crew with this intense look that says _don’t you fucking dare ruin this for me._ Behind it, he’s seen both unzipping and crouching down enough to line his cock up with the Glory Hole. 

“Alright, Link, he’s ready for you,” Stevie fills in casually for Rhett, prompting Link to get started. 

“Hey now, we can’t say for sure it’s gonna be a he, even without Lizzie,” they’re always real careful with pronouns and insinuations not to come off inadvertently insensitive to trans issues. It’s a big part of the education piece of their show, and they take their jobs seriously in that regard. In other, sillier regards? They definitely take it less seriously.

Like now, how Link’s hand finds the cock before him in that same hesitant-slow way he always does on approach, not trusting himself to have a sense of space and location without the use of his eyes. The cock he finds is already far more than half-hard and he doesn’t have to do more than wrap his hand around it, fingertips barely brushing as he goes to test and see if they’ll touch, before he knows without a doubt who belongs to the cock he’s holding. 

His face lights up instantly, giving himself away. It’s obvious he knows, but he’s playing like he doesn’t. “Hmmm… I dunno about this one, guys…” he gives it a stroke, long and slow and then again, root to tip with this slow fucking twist he knows drives Rhett crazy. By the second time he repeats that sly move, Rhett’s hands come up, grab either side of the Glory Hole board _tight_ , white knuckled already. 

“Gosh, this is hard…” and this time he means the innuendo. This time it’s intentional. 

And _this time_ the crew’s not laughing. This hush has fallen like it does when Rhett and Link get their hands on each other, like they’re half afraid to breathe and miss a moment. 

On the other side of the board, Rhett’s forehead is pressed up against the plywood. He’s breathing hard cause Link’s not letting up, just stroking him slow like he means to bring him off desperate and begging and Rhett’s flabbergasted. Doesn’t Link know just by feeling him? He’s got to. He’s gotta be fucking with him, messing with him cause he knows he’s being fooled, but Rhett’s still trapped in the joke. He’s keeping quiet and still cause he doesn’t wanna tip him off, doesn’t wanna ruin the gag. 

“It’s a real nice one,” Link muses to himself, loud enough to show off for the camera. “Don’t you think so, Rhett?” he asks, tips his head back towards where Rhett ought to be sitting. Predictably, there’s no response, not a peep from him cause he’s not there. 

“Rhett?” he tries again, slows and loosens his hand, hears the absolute _whine_ from behind the board at the loss. He hums in play confusion, comments, “Man, whoever’s back there’s not really trying to be quiet, are they?”

Rhett’s biting his lip so hard he’s afraid he’s gonna draw blood and Link’s back, stroking him just the way he knows he likes. That twist again, he’s gotta _know_. He’s doing this on purpose, gonna play innocent till Rhett breaks and blows himself in. 

“I dunno, guys, I really can’t tell… I wish this game had lifelines… I’d really love to be able to get my mouth on this one.”

The board actually drags back a few inches, makes this loud warping shudder sound as it scrapes along the floor, and that’s cause of Rhett. Cause he’s gripping the edges so hard he’d dragged it back with him as he swayed on his feet, going a little hazy, a little light-headed. 

Link’s hand jumps back, but he’s grinning automatic, electric, and he gives his guess. “Serves you right, Rhett, for trying to trick me,” he says as he pushes up his blindfold, even though he’d just orchestrated Lizzie’s prank on Rhett. As far as Link was concerned, he was the only one who got to pull the pranks. Of course, that’s nowhere near the way things went -- he was far, far more often the victim of pranks. But then, he did always find a way to get Rhett back. 

“Shit, Link,” comes the tight, forced reply from behind the board, Rhett’s hands still gripping the edges tight. Cock still visible, hard and red and wet. 

Link’s hand’s wet, too, smeared with precum. He’s not real subtle about getting a taste before he goes for the Purell. 

Rhett’s hard for the rest of the game, and his focus is absolutely shot, Link’s seen to that. That he manages to zip himself back into his jeans is a feat, and it’s one that remains obvious for the full remainder of the episode. Rhett’s next round gets him no points, because this time it’s John and, having guessed John last time, he guesses Chase instead. He blows the lightning round, catching one more point by sheer dumb luck, but Link somehow manages to bring it home. 

Link doesn’t end with a perfect score. He misses when it comes to Kevin, and flubs it on Alex’s second pass through, the scamp having gone for one more tug before the game comes to an end. But Link still emerges victorious, nonetheless. 

“You’re the Cock King, Link.”

“I’m a Cock Genius! And I get to have my dick molded into a trophy!” Link exclaims, body tight with triumphant excitement, and ends it by gesturing wildly, pointing out at the camera, blindfold still pushed up on his forehead, “Thanks for liking, commenting, and subscribing.”

“You know what time it is,” Rhett says, still obviously hard in his pants, however, not bothering to try and conceal that fact. With luck, More will offer an opportunity for him to remedy the situation. 

Link throws the wheel for a solid spin and comes back, points into the camera and says, “Be sure you join us for Good Mythical More where I’m gonna get my dick molded for an award… we’re gonna send that to one of you, so there’s a game… a, uh, a contest involved.”

“Ayy!” Rhett pulls the wheel wedge down when it lands on the glittery space. 

“But not before we award this winner.”

“Congrats to @linkslipssinkships, you win a Lip Balm. That’s the merch of the month, oh, you win Link’s, he’s been using it. He has herpes, it’s okay. No, we’ll give you a new one.”

**Author's Note:**

> “I should write erotic novels. I should write one called [The Two Dolphins.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrukKtoZ2qk)”
> 
> * * *


End file.
